Parenting for Special Children is what this article is all about. But I first need to give you some background about me and of course my family in order to understand my perspective. I have always thought of myself as a parent first and an educator second. I love learning although all my life it has been a struggle. A difficulty to process and aquire knowledge from visual and written material. Which is one of the reasons I persued education as a field of study in college.
Deaf Education and Speech Pathology was the passion I followed to help others that were having difficulty within this not-so-perfect-education system. I was an example that learning issues did not make the person “stupid”, “dumb”, or “incapable of learning”. Even though these were terms I heard often growing-up.
Despite my learning struggles, I proudly graduated from the University of Cincinnati Cum Laude, with a 3.6 GPA (Something my parents never thought would happen). I made it through and wanted to help others do the same!
I wasn’t just all book and no play. Anyone who knows me will admit that I am a rather social person, and usual make my presence known in whatever I do. So of course along with the degree I was VP of my Social Sorority Sigma Delta Tau, and President of my Education Fraternity, Kappa Delta Pi.
Directly out of college I was hired to create and develop the First Preschool Satellite Program for the Kentucky School For the Deaf (KSD). Wow what an undertaking! The school had identified 3 hearing impaired children and I was to create a program for them. KSD had contracted with an Easter Seals Facility where I was given a converted closet as my classroom. This program covered 6 counties in the Northern Kentucky area. Traveling 150 miles to my “Parent” school, KSD for in-service was also a monthly occurance. I am proud to say that program still exists, although it is housed in a different location than my original classroom.
Those accomplishments helped make me, but is not what I want to share here and will be addressed in another article. This page is about school… and my children of which I raised three. And aquired 3 and a half by marriage or relationship. Ok I know you cannot have half a child, but that precious half is my grandson. He has not fully matured to adulthood at age 18. The others thank the universe have matured into adulthood despite the trial you are about to understand.
Single Parenting “Ain’t” Easy
Being a single Mom with 2 children had its own challenges. They were very bright but bored! The schools wanted participation and interaction that was sometimes next to impossible for a single parent. Especially if the children were in difference locations. Not arriving on time for pick-ups and missing appointments were looked down upon. My son’s interests included ice hockey and marshal arts. He was also on the wrestling team.
My daughter seemed to be having the most issues. I enrolled her in different activities and tried to allowed her to pursue her interests. She had a beautiful voice, loved playing the violin, and a talent for acting. I shlepped her to numerous auditions for various plays in the area. My thinking was to keep them busy and out of trouble.
Freshman-Sophmore year her grades started dropping. Teachers said she was not engaged. Then the attendance became an issue. She started skipping school and even though I saw her get on the bus every morning, I would get a call asking if she had attended school. Teachers, guidance counselors, had no information. The education system provided nothing to identify any isuues and I felt discarded. No help or support was offered other than suggesting couseling. I was angry. They spent more time with my daughter than I did and they should have some answers! I chose these schools because they were supposed to be the best schools of the district.
When School Isn’t Enough
So what does a parent do after their child misses more than 35 days of school and the system is saying she may not be promoted to the next grade because of the absences. This parent at her most vulnurable-weakest-point lost it! I grabbed my child by the hair and dragged her down the steps to force her to school (That was a desperate move that I am so asshamed of and will never forgive myself for doing! This was a insane act that should not have happened. It is actually child abuse and we parents do hateful things sometime out of love and despiration)!
So she was at the bottom of the stairs, screaming at me and refusing to move…….What to do? I called the police, thinking they would transport her to school and make sure she got there…….Oh no, no, no instead I got a cop who lectured me for 10 minutes. Saying I was responsible and could go to jail for her truancy right then and there. It is breaking the law not to be in school. This just gave my daughter more amo to get back at me for the missed appointments and the late arrivals and not being there.
She was a closed book! I enrolled in family couseling, but if she went, she would not talk. No meaningful communication was occurring. My baby was hurting for some reason and shutting down. I had no clue what was happening and I became more and more frustrated as this little four foot eleven child was bitter, angry, and hateful all the time. This was back in the 90’s when we still had landlines. One day I opened my phone bill to discover a “WHAPIN” $1295.00 charge with calls to Hawaii, Great Britain, Ireland, and can’t remeber how many other countries listed.
My intelligent, theatrical, scheming child figured out that you could find people on the internet, skip school and talk to them for hours all day and night! That is when I noticed the marks on her wrists. She was cutting herself. I took her to the hospital. Oh Lord, I did not know what else to do. They admitted her.
That was the beginning of a long journey of recovery for both of us. What part did the school play in this?
Is the Answer Expulsion?
My child was bored, acting out, and not engaged and the school’s answer was expulsion. Really? I was beside myself and obviously was not thinking clearly but knew dropping out was not the answer and some way she must be forced to engage. I could not stand by and watch her go downhill. My exhusband thought Catholic School was the key. Having raised my children to be observant Jews, that was never going to happen, so I looked for alternatives. I chose a “Character Development Theraputic Boarding School in Woodstock, Ct., called Hyde School .
It took a lot of talking and the use of her educational fund that my parents had set up to get her there. We traveled together for an inperson registration for the fall enrollment. She was so happy to come home during winter break and swore she would be returning. Why was I surprised when it did not happen? It felt like we were back to square 1 all over again. The atmosphere was tense and my son was forced to be the mediary most of the time.
I hated that I was looking at “Scared Straight” Programs. My beautiful daughter was not a criminal? I had no control and did not know what else to do. I heard of a program were teens got support and guidance in a Theraputic Wilderness Program. A behavior-modification program to change the unhealthy patterned theses teens had developed, while engaging in a challenging natural environment.
The research looked good and showed it taking 1 or 2 month for the children on average to turn around their negative behavior. I decided to help my daughter this way. I enrolled her in Redcliff Ascent that had a great reputation and was in Utah. She would not go back to Hyde and I could not just let her drop out of school all together. Now to get her there!
Not having support Redcliff helped me hire 2 Ex-SWAT agents, a man and a woman. I remeber it was around St Patrick’s Day so it was cold in Ohio. They arrived around 3AM and literally carried my daughter out the door kicking and screaming to escort her to the Wilderness of Utah. Two month turn-around? Ha, my redheaded, fiesty daughter holds the record for the second longest stay in the program…..over 7 months. This sandcube displayed was awarded to my daughter when she graduated from RedCliff Ascent while given the special name of Wilderness Butterfly. She started at the end of Jan. and graduated 8-14-01, God Love her!
She had developed some humility but was still very angy. I stayed overnigt in the dessert where she prepared me a meal over an open fire that she had started with a flint and a stick. From graduation the next day we went straight to a hotel where she shower and throughly wash her hair which was luxury she had not had for almost 8 months. She was not happy when our flight out of Utah was heading to Massachusetts and not Ohio. She graduated with honors from The Acedemy at Swift River her amazing final Theraputic Boarding School. Where she was supported emotionally and taught how to better handle her behavioral issues. Her graduating class traveled to Costa Rica where they helped build a medical facility, collected plants from the rainforest for medical research, and help farmers with daily work chores. She was even able to aide with SeaTurtles hatching and swimming into the ocean.
Through all the Trials and Various Programs My Older Kids Eventually Shined
Even though my son spent more time on his Dongeons and Dragons Campaign than his school work, he manageged to graduate and go onto college. He got a degree in Criminal Justice which he hated and took forever to do his internship so he could graduate. He worked for 8 years and went back to school to get an accounting degree and his MBA from Purdue.
My daughter, the indecisive one got her degrees in Anthropology, Linguistics, and French from Ohio State University and went on to get a masters in Speech Pathology. She is a Bi-Lingual (English-Spanish) speech therapist for a California school District. She is married and has a son who is attending college in Ohio. She still plays her violin and because of her experience in the wilderness participates in many marathons in both Ohio and California.
Did I fool you into thinking my story is over? Just wait cuz my youngest child had the most challenges in school of all three children.
Bored Kids Don’t Behave
Standing Between My Child and the Cracks
The Child They Didn’t See
Bored, Brilliant, and Broken by the System
The Exhausted Advocate
Love, Fear, and Report Cards
Different Doesn’t Mean Defiant
Redefining Success for My Children
Turning Chaos into Clarity
The Education of a Parent
Trying to Work While Saving My Kids
When “Acting Out” Was a Cry for Help
I Chose My Children Over Comfort
Brilliance Without a Box
The Parent Who Wouldn’t Quit
Educating the Unseen Child
what happens when square pegs get shoved into round holes and parents are left to pick up the emotional debris.
You didn’t drop the ball.
You carried it uphill. Alone.